The Last 4 Months

Sara helping me blog.

Sara, I don’t know how to start my blog. I don’t know what to write about. What have we been doing since Sam was born?”

“I don’t know, Mom.”

“I don’t know either…”

After Sam came home, I remember thinking, “now what?” The first week is a bit of a blur. We slept a lot. Then my mom came for a visit. It feels like it was so long ago now. She kept a blog – http://inside-outlook.blogspot.com/2013/03/inside-outlook.html We enjoyed our time together very much. I did not get to show her around the city because it is very hard to move around with a newborn here. The streets are too crowded and bumpy for strollers. Mom did go out with my mother in law and on her own a few times. Mom was such a big help with the kids so when she left the “now what?” feeling came back again.  Even though Sam is a second child it had been four years since I had a baby and Sam is very different from Sara so it took some adjusting.

Between March and June, life was low key for me. The rest of the country was turbulent. There were many hartals. If I remember right, Sara was going to school on average, two days a week. In May, there was a siege on the city. One political group blocked the roads in and out of Dhaka and then marched through part of town. In that march, according to the government, twelve people died; according to the political party who held the march, the police killed thousands of people. Around the same time the garment factory collapsed, Abu was nearly caught up in a riot during a trip to the pharmacy, and a car exploded, the sound startled me while I was in my bedroom. The two next pictures are not mine, I stole them from Google. 

Savar garment factory  collapse

 In the British school system, which most schools in Bangladesh follow, there are A level and O level exams that have to be done in order to move on in school. If you are not familiar with this, just think of the tests Harry Potter had to take and you’ll get the general idea. The hartals were threatening to disrupt these (expensive, time consuming) tests. Parents and teachers voiced their concerns and the political parties listened. Since the end of May there has only been a few hartals and they have not been nearly as violent.

Not the car that blew near my house but you get the idea.

June brought my brother in law home from London and the start of his wedding. Weddings here are very different from in the west. They are much bigger and longer here.  The day my brother in law, Faisal, arrived from London we had his nikka. The bride’s family usually hosts the nikka and only the close relatives attend. The bride and the groom are kept separate from each other. If it is an old-fashioned arranged marriage, the bride and groom will never meet until after the prayers are said and the papers are signed. In this case they know each other but the tradition was still there. First, the Imam, the person leading the prayers, meets with the bride. The bride and the family state that they agree to the union, prayers are said, papers are signed. Next, the Imam meets with the groom and the process is repeated. The marriage is official and the bride and groom can meet. This could be the end of it but tradition dictates that there must be more parties.

The bride and groom

Family

The first party (after the nikka) was the bride’s gaye holud, this took place three days after the nikka. Gaye means body and holud means turmeric, it is a party to have turmeric on the body. It is basically a party to give the bride and groom gifts and wish them well. Part of the well wishing is to feed them a small piece of food and smear turmeric paste on their face. Sometimes the bride and groom have a joint holud and sometimes not.  

Back: Me, Sam, my father in law, Saif, Sakib (Abu)
Front: Sara, my mother in law, Rahah

Sara smearing turmeric paste on Rahah

Rahah - The bride

I really wanted to put it right on the tip of her
nose but figured I'd be nice.

The following day was the groom’s gaye holud. We hosted this party under tents in our driveway. We had a band and Abu and his youngest brother, Saif, performed. Sara and the kids joined in for some singing as well.

Our house was decorated for the wedding.

                                                 

The stage

We escorted Faisal to his stage. 

                                                       

Rahah's mom putting turmeric paste on Faisal.

                                                 

Sara singing "We Shall Overcome"

                                             

 Orange and Red were the colors of the day. 

                                             

Three brothers, Saif, Faisal, and Sakib (Abu)

                           

Sakib and Saif performing with the band.

                                                  

The third day in a row of parties was the wedding. Since the technical stuff was already done at the nikka, this party is just for fun. It is tradition that the bride’s family barricades the door and not allow the groom or any of the men from the groom’s side in the venue until a bribe is paid. The women and children can get in so the men try to slip in as the women go in. While the men of the family keep the door busy, often times the groom will try to find a different way in. To the chagrin of the bride’s family, Faisal snuck in through the back door.  Another tradition is that the bride’s younger cousins try to steal the groom’s shoes and keep them ransom. I believe Faisal had his feet firmly planted on the floor the whole time. After this party, the bride goes home to the groom’s house to live. The groom’s family decorates the room and bed. The bride is kept from the room by a ribbon and not given scissors to cut the ribbon until a bribe is paid. I offered to help her climb up the building (to the third floor) to sneak in the back window but she didn't go for it.

Bribing her way into the room.

The whole family.

The ladies of the family

Some extended family

The happy couple

 The day after the wedding would have been a day off for us but instead it was Sara’s school function. She had a singing solo. She did very well. I decided during this show that watching preschool and kindergarten kids perform on stage is the cutest thing in the world.

The teacher said they would wear peace signs.
I guess Mercedes made a better offer. 

                  

The final wedding party was the next day it was the reception. I am not sure if there are traditions for this party, sometimes there is dancing and music but not this time. There were many pictures taken and we ate, then it was over. 

Alam family

Pretty hands.

The in-laws.

The weekends since have been filled with dinner parties hosted by family members on both sides. Through all of this, I felt like I was in a South Asian version of Downton Abbey. Our maids would help me with the kids and someone would help me dress in my sari and life was filled with dressing nice and eating rich delicious foods. It was a fun diversion but I am glad to put my makeup away for a while.

Dinner party at my mother's in law sister's house

Home made cake!

Sisters in law

June also brought monsoon season. The rain is amazing; the drops are huge. I am impressed with all the drivers’ skills in getting through and around the huge flash flood style puddles. I like the rain; it smells good and cools things down a bit. The only trouble it causes is that we have some trouble drying our clothes. A clothes dryer is superfluous the rest of the year, the clothes dry very quickly in the sun. I thought monsoon would mean rain all day and all night, fortunately, that’s not the case. An hour or two each day is plenty.

Watching a movie

Sara’s school year has come to an end, she did very well in preschool and is excited to start Kindergarten next term.  I am home with both kids now. Sara spends most days playing with the girls from upstairs, which is great for me because I am having a hard time filling our days. Sam is four months old and outgrowing his clothes very quickly.

Sara and Sam

"Don't bother me while I am working."

Ramadan started last week and it is an interesting experience to live with so many people who are fasting. I have started to prepare lunch for Sara and me instead of eating at my inlaw’s house as we used to. I feel quite bad eating in front of them. Iftar (the food one eats to break the fast) is amazing. It is like a Bangladeshi appetizer sampler. No less than ten items to choose from, ranging from fresh foods like dates and cucumber to deep-fried eggplant and deep-fried mashed potatoes. It is also great to have everyone around the table at the same time. My mother and father in law, Faisal and Rahah, Saif, Me, Abu, Sara and Sam all crowded around a six seat table. It is a feel of celebration each evening. About an hour after iftar the men leave for evening prayers. The prayers last for about two hours. The Imam at the mosque will read the entire Quran over the course of the month of Ramadan. Women can go to the mosque too, if they choose to. After the men come home, around 11 at night they eat dinner. At 3:30 am everyone wakes up again for another chance to eat and drink before the sun comes up and to pray again. It may go without saying that everyone seems to be sleeping a bit later now.  

Hours of cooking to prepare 

Enjoying the food

Until next time...

It's a boy!

I once said that the story of my new baby’s birth could be the most exciting blog post of all time. I am very happy to report that it may not be true. Do not stop reading though because it was an amazing experience with an interesting twist.

I went into labor in the usual way. Nothing special, just back pain and contractions that were a few minutes apart and painful. It was morning so we showered, Abu and Sara had breakfast and we left Sara with her grandparents as we went off to United Hospital about 10 minutes away. It was a Tuesday morning so it should have been a school day and very bad traffic but fortunately, it was also a hartal so we made it to the hospital pretty quickly. The doctor told me to check in at the ER so we did and realized that we, once again, left all our paperwork at home. I wanted Abu to stay with me so we sent our very helpful driver, Aziz, to get the paperwork. We are very lucky that the strike was going on or all that would have taken a lot longer.

The contractions had been going on regularly since the day before but got more serious around 3 am so I thought I would be fairly well along by the time I was admitted to labor and delivery. I was only 1.5 cm dilated at 11 am. I need to get to 10 cm in order to deliver. Abu wanted us to check out, go across the street to his aunt and uncle’s house, and wait there. The doctor advised against it (and I was not feeling much up for that either) because she thought things were going to progress quickly. The doctor suggested instead that we go to our “cabin” and I can walk around and be more comfortable there.  Our cabin was great. As I mentioned before there are four levels of private rooms. The first two levels of rooms were all full so we took the “luxury suite.” The VIP single seemed like it may have been too much. It was very comfortable. We only got to spend about an hour in our suite before my water broke in a big gush and we were wisked off to the labor observation room again. I was checked again and I was still only 3 cm. My water broke at 1 pm and I remained in labor with no medicine until 5:30 pm when I was still 3 cm and I decided I was too tired and sore to continue in this way without progressing. To be honest, I was scared. I was in labor with Sara for so long that I needed to make things happen or I would have had to have a c-section and the epidural was so good, it took all the pain away. I could feel pressure of contractions but not pain. Because of this, I was very scared of the pain of the baby coming out. I got the epidural around 7:30 pm and was at 4 cm after. The epidural did not seem to be working that well. Everything still hurt a lot but I guess it did take the edge off the pain.   

A funny thing about being a patient when you do not speak the language is that people do not really explain what they are doing or who they are. I had a lot of different nurses and doctors. Nurses would come in and say that they are going to give me a medicine but no one ever told me what it was. As soon as my water broke, some nurse showed up with a pain medicine that I promptly refused. The nurse, or “sister” as nurses are called here, looked quite confused by my refusal and said, “But the doctor ordered it!” With each medicine, a nurse brought me and I refused, I said, “the doctor did not ask me if I wanted it!” After refusing induction medications and pain medications about a half dozen times from the nurses a doctor came in and tried to talk me into it. “My” doctor seemed to be on the same page as me about what I wanted to do but she was not on duty. She stopped in a few times to check on me but otherwise left me with another doctor, who seemed very nice but she was very pushy about medications. This other doctor seemed very pleased when I finally consented to medication to help dilate my cervix and the epidural.

One of the labor observation rooms.

Our Luxury Suite

Another view of our suite

After the epidural and another check (4 cm), I was hooked up to a monitor to see how the baby’s heart rate was doing during contractions. This test lasts 20 minutes. One of the reasons I did not want an epidural was because I was afraid it would slow the contractions and I would have to have more meds to speed them back up. During the 20-minute test, it seemed my fear was confirmed. I only had four contractions and they were not very strong. During the test the pushy doctor finished her shift and introduced me to the new doctor that would take over. They left my room about 5 minutes before the test ended to do rounds. Just as the monitor beeped to indicate the test was done, a contraction started. I remember being disappointed that the test was not still running because it was a big one and I was wondering what number it would reach on the monitor.  Usually the contractions would last 40 seconds to a minute. After about 40 seconds to a minute of the worst pain I have ever felt, epidural or not, I started yelling, “make it stop, why won’t it stop?”  It did not stop. As it passed the minute and a half to two-minute mark, I felt the urge to push. The doctor had told me not to push so many times so I tried not to but there was no helping it. At this point, I remembered, and ignored, my promise to Abu not to scream. I also remember screaming for two reasons. One was that it hurt and the other was because Abu was the only one in the room and I was about to have a baby. I was yelling, “I have to push! I have to push!” Then a second later, “The baby is coming! The baby is here!” I could not see Abu, my back was to him but I could tell he wasn't understanding the gravity of the situation so I ripped the sheet off of me to reveal that my small push had pushed out the head. Abu then yelled, “HOLY #*%^!” (Add your own curse word because I do not remember which he picked.) and he literally ran from the room searching for a doctor. Sam slid out of me very smoothly and my fear of what it would feel like seemed like a silly thing of the past because it was the most amazing feeling in the world. All at once, the pain stopped and I had a beautiful baby boy lying on the bed in front of me. The I tried to look for the cord but I could not seem to find it and then it occurred to me I did not know if he was a boy or girl so as the nurse ran in, yelling at me to be calm, I checked and announced to no one in particular, “It’s a boy!”

In the moments I had alone with Sam, before they took him away, I sat up and looked at him while I rubbed his back and legs. The memories I have of it are blurry and I couldn't figure out why until later when they returned him to me all clean and wrapped (I wanted my skin to skin time and to wait on the bath but no one listened as I asked for him, they just kept telling me he was fine). My blood pressure bottomed out a bit after he was born so I could not see clearly up close. I did not really see him until about an hour later. I also lost muscle strength in my right leg for a while which would have been amusing if it was not for the nurse who literally pushed me into the bathroom. I nearly hit the floor.

There are a million other little details and I could go on but that is the gist of the story. I delivered my own baby and it was amazing. Truly an amazing experience.  Samiul Taher Alam was born around 8:15 on March 12.

We stayed in the hospital for 24 hours after the birth, Sam was circumcised, and we are both healing well. Sara is very excited to be a big sister and is eager to be as helpful as possible.

Thank you for all the love and well wishes!

Proud Baba!

Our wonderful Sam!

I love this little man!

Sara holding Sam for the first time

Cuddle time

Dadu, Dadi, Sara, and Sam

First night at home. He looks a lot like Sara did in this picture.

More Pictures

I said my next post would be about a new baby but I figured, everyone likes photos...

It looks to me that the buses here are made from paper mache. Obviously, they are not. The outsides are so banged up and patched so many times that it seems to me that they are paper. Usually, there are big cracks in the windshields as well. People cram onto these buses with standing room only or even hang on with half of themselves out the door. If there is a back bumper people will ride on the back too. If traffic is not stopped at the intersection where you want to get off the bus often does not stop but just slows so people can jump off and on. I have not figured out how anyone can figure out the bus routes. Maybe if the bus is pointing in the direction you want to go you get on and ride until it starts going the wrong way.

This view is from Abu's cousin's house. Parts of Dhaka are in the background. The water is highly polluted. On the shore of the river is a large shanty town. Boats follow a rope trail across the water but I am not sure for what purpose they go back and forth. 

This is my in-laws' full time maid, cooking in the kitchen.

A random street. The lack of traffic suggests that I took this picture on a Friday or a Holiday.

These kids are selling the towels. There was a parent selling stuff somewhere near by. When traffic stops they run between the cars, window to window, trying to beg money or sell a towel. When they saw me they came over and spent a few minutes just waving and smiling at me. They were picking on each other too. They were pushing and pulling, both trying to be the one to get more attention (or money) from me. As the traffic started to move they expertly weaved through the moving cars back to their spot on the curb to wait until traffic stopped again. 

This is a bridge that is on the way to Sara's school. If it were not for the polluted waters, ground and air it would be quite picturesque. The cars must share the road with the rickshaws. On this bridge, rickshaws often go against traffic which can cause further congestion.  

In an attempt to improve the traffic congestion a "fly-over" is being built near the airport. Funding issues have delayed the work many times.

I believe this is a side street near Sara's school. 

People carry so many different things on their heads. I wonder how their necks handle the pressure. Although, it does seem like they can carry more on their head with better posture than they could in their arms.

It is an election year in Bangladesh and this truck load of people seemed to be loading up to go protest in a different part of the city.

Winter is wedding season. This is a stage where the bride and groom sit throughout one of the parties. 

Me and my hubby celebrating his cousin's wedding.

The henna party for the wedding.

Sara celebrating Valentines day. The hat and the flag came from school. 

This is on the roof. The black things are water tanks. The tanks are always full unless the power is out and we happen to use a lot of water while the power is out. Once the power comes back, the city water fills the tanks again. Each flat has their own water tank. While the sun is out the water gets quite warm in the tanks. 

As Abu grew up here they had metal water tanks with flat tops and he used to play train on them with his brothers. Sara enjoys the game too but the new tanks are harder to climb on top of. 

The kids carnival.