WARNING! This one is about breastfeeding.

As with a lot of things in life, especially in motherhood, I have a love / hate relationship with breastfeeding.

Sometimes, as I cuddle my adorable baby and he is sucking wonderfully at my breast, I am filled with a sense of fullness and he is not only taking my milk but he is drawing love or something even greater up from the every cell in my body. The connection we have is so great that it overwhelms me and all we want, all we need is wrapped up in our little nursing cocoon.

Breastfeeding is demanding. Ask any nursing mother and she will confirm it; Mothers become slaves to tiny dictators. We eat, sleep, and play on the baby's schedule. We have to explain to our older children and sposes that we want to play, cook, or whatever but the tiny human trumps all that. We mothers give every ounce of our energy to the baby and most times are glad and proud that we are able to do it.

Once and a while it becomes too much. The baby has ANOTHER stuffy nose, the baby is getting ANOTHER tooth (to bite us with) and suddenly our comfy little nursing cocoon is more like a torture chamber. The baby's latch gets all screwed up and each suck is more like a "titty twister" and we cannot call our playground supervisor to pull the little bully off. Once the baby settles in, the latch still isn't right but it will do, and soon he's dozing in your arms. Success! You may think but you'd be wrong. Just as the tiny innocent looking angel is finishing his meal he chomps down with those brand new sharp fang-like teeth and your body responds instantly by pulling away which then rakes your overly sensitive little nipple through his teeth and you cannot help but yell out in pain which stirs the little vampire from his sleep and like a baby bird he is once again searching for the nipple.

So we switch sides and do it all again. This time we try to outsmart him. Yes, just as he's finishing we try to break the latch without waking him. The websites make it sound so easy. Simply press on baby's lip with a finger and break the suction. The trouble with this is that it pisses him off, asleep or not, and he will bite you. Another, not-so-great-for-our-nipple-but-better-to-keep-baby-asleep, method is to pull the nipple from the mouth. Sometimes it works, sometimes it pisses him off and he bites you. Eventually, he is asleep and your nipple is free but you are still holding him.

Who ever decided that drop-side cribs are not safe and banned them deserves to have at least 10 kids all who wake easily. Our little dictators know our plan to get them out of our arms and into their crib and try their best to foil it. Our only hope is to cuddle that baby close all the way down to the crib mattress and hold them there for a few seconds so they don’t feel the transition in their sleep. If that kid wakes, it is all over and the nursing starts again unless it all took too long and now the nap is done and baby is ready to play. This, depending on the day, could result in much frustration and tears.

The baby does have to sleep eventually and when he does, a fairy gets its wings... or something equally as magical.

At this point, the fate of the world rests in everyone in a mile radius being very quiet. This includes the five year old who lives in the next room. I have read that it is important that a baby learn to sleep with noises. I agree that it is true and important but my nipples do not agree. They believe that if anyone so much as hiccups in the same room as the baby or even outside the door they should be punished severely. Trying to balance my brain and nipples desires consumes me every moment my baby sleeps.

Now he is asleep. Yep, still sleeping... great. Still asleep? Yes... now what? It has been too long. My brain knows it. He didn't sleep well last night and he's making up for it now. My nipples rejoice. The rest of me knows better. If he's still asleep now he won't sleep tonight. If I wake him, he will be crabby and he may want to nurse, maybe he'll feel better and we'll climb back into our happy cocoon, or not...